Dating for Marriage or Martinis?

I accidentally gave my number to a guy last week. I know, there’s no way to really accidentally give your number to anyone, but sometimes after I get off of at my train stop, I forget that my name is Rosa and I have a boyfriend (unless of course the guy is cute, in which case I’m Brande Victorian, single, and free this weekend).

            When the guy called the next day and asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend I was annoyed—the ones you want to call never do and the ones you don’t want to call always do so within 24 hours and have a premeditated plan for your “date.” I told him I was at work, which I was, and that I would call him later. I never did.

            My think tank told me to go out with him, as they always do whenever I find myself in this sticky situation, and for different reasons. My sister thinks he might be a great guy (I roll my eyes), my best friend thinks that I should get out of the house, and my other friend is a proponent of free food and drinks. But I’m not interested, it’s too hot, and I hate for a man to come out of his pocket for no reason.

I hear advice all the time encouraging women to date for fun, which I think means don’t expect every man that you go out with to be your husband, but the idea of having to entertain or be entertained by a man that I have no interest in for 2-5 hours just never appealed to me.

The thing is, when you agree to go on a date, you’re giving the other person the green light of interest. Even if you preface the acceptance with a “I’m not interested in dating anyone” speech, the fact that you said yes means you didn’t say no and the other person thinks there is a chance that you can be convinced otherwise. Is a drink or two worth that? (If I didn’t get paid this week, maybe, but I just never felt right basically making a man spend money when I knew my level of interest was below zero—shout out to all the other non-golddiggers—and I’m not going dutch for unwanted company.)

The joy of going out with someone you’re not interested in is that there is no pressure to impress them. The downside of going out with someone you’re not interested in is that there is no pressure to impress them. Part of the reason I leave the house is just so I can dress up and there is something equally nauseating and exhilarating about going on a date with someone you actually think you could have a future with.

There were a few times when I’ve reneged on my stance and accepted some date offers reluctantly, at which point my hair was stroked and I was asked, “is this all you,” or I was nestled in the armpit of the foul-breathed stranger in a too-small comedy club. But then again a guy I really liked kept me waiting for two hours in front of Penn Station, so what is that saying?

Yesterday, I contemplated calling the guy, whose name I can’t quite recall, but for ill reason—I thought it might make an interesting blog post. However my conscious got the best of me and here I am writing anyway. Part of me sees dating as an opportunity to “test the waters”, find out what you like and don’t like, but then again I already pretty much know what I want and the fact that I’m not accepting the invitation to hang out lets me know that it isn’t him.

Anyway, I’m curious to see how some of you approach dating. Is it all or nothing, as in you want a proposal at the end of the night, or just for fun (and martinis)?

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5 thoughts on “Dating for Marriage or Martinis?

  1. Torrey says:

    While first impressions do mean a lot, you never know who you’re meeting actually. Going out on dates gives you that time to get to know a person. Maybe after the first day you know, this bum is a dummy. Other times, taking that step to “dating” may give you a chance to get to know someone you really end up liking. You don’t learn much about a person within those 3 minutes (or much less in your case, lol) you exchange numbers. Sooo BVic, I think you should call him up, and go on that date!

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by YLM, Michelle Wells. Michelle Wells said: I think I this is one of my favorite blog post: (@Be_Vic) […]

  3. David says:

    Great article! Although it only made me more confused about women….smh..but good job B! But I maybe calling you soon for clarity…made you can not answer and write a blog about me and how the annoying ones can’t take a hint 🙂

  4. Mo says:

    Good points BVic! I’m curious though, you say that you pretty much know what you want… Is that coming from a more superficial/ exterior attraction or from standards that you’ve set and aim to consistently keep? Yes there is a possibilty that the man who doesn’t carry himself respectfully and well maintained on the outside is giving you a preview of what his interior is like…But still (to piggyback on Torrey’s comment) how often do people misjudge us simply by appearance or the words that come out of our mouth on a not so good day? I definately do not advocate going out just bc we’re lonely, missing someone else, or missing something in ourselves…but if you’re not actively working on yourself in solitude (or if ur somewhat of a loner like me) push yourself every now and then to get out of your comfort zone. And although I recommend being yourself, I will even condone making it a type of “game” if you will for entertainment (if he’s just “that” bad)… Since you don’t want to go out, note your reasons as to why by listing all of your assumptions about him (based on the little time you’ve encountered him) ex: “he probably has 2 kids, he’s probably messing with other ppl, bet he works in the area at (fill in the blank), h.s. diploma? college degree?, looks like he doesn’t smoke, but might drink”….etc etc. You might also make some goals for yourself for the night “througout this whole date I will not have an attitude, I will not be a bitch, I will be honest, I will pay him at least one compliment, I will take note whether he is timely and how he treats the waiter, I will listen more than I talk”…etc etc. Whatever weird type of category you wish to learn and place him in… this can assess your ability to properly read people, if he proves you right, kudos… but if he turns out to be opposite and way more than you expected (in a good way:) you”ll be pleasantly suprised and may be even grant him a 2nd date. The goals you set for yourself for the date should help remind you to keep a good attitude…it’ll be over before you know it. Send off a positive vibe and you mite get one back. And finally, if sadly hiim and the whole date turn out to be a living nightmare…girl you better order that damn martini!!! He goes in his pockets = compensation for giving him a chance!!

  5. […] is exactly why I can’t date for martinis-some men just do too much. Plus, I guarantee all this stalker-like behavior will fall off once he […]

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