Category Archives: Uncategorized

J Hud & Hubby Split: The Cost of Her Weight Loss?

You would have to be blind or extremely naïve to not have seen the reported split between Jennifer Hudson and fiancé David Otunga coming. The two seemed like an odd pair to me from the get go, but once comments came out about David not being too thrilled with J Hud’s new look, you had to see the proof in the low-fat pudding.

Jennifer’s comment on Jay Leno about David adjusting to her weight loss and not liking the change seemed innocent enough — except questions like “Why do you have to get all dressed up to go out” and “why can’t you just go out like you used to?” had jealous, ego-threatened boyfriend written all over them. Now that after three years together (plus a 2-year-old son, a set wedding date, a dress chosen, and ring) the two are allegedly calling it quits, you have to ask how much of a role did her weight loss play? (Because even if there is not an actual break-up, there is clearly some tension.)

I believe the saying that men get in relationships hoping the woman never changes, while women get in relationships hoping to change the man. But when the change is for the better, i.e. improved health, and the man can’t adjust, you have to wonder does he, or did he ever, have her best interest at heart?

Read more @MadameNoire

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Men: Please Stop Trying to Solve Our Love Problems

On Saturday, CentricTV will air Michael Baisden’s documentary, “Do Women Know What They Want?” I saw the previews for the film last weekend, and as I watched the snippet on the website, it’s clear the special is of the Steve Harvey ilk: “Let me fix women’s expectations about men so they can stop whining about why they can’t find one. Oh, and don’t forget to give white men a try and step up your sex game if you expect your man to be faithful.” Thanks.

Aside from the obvious reason that single black women’s problems have now become big business (books! TV specials! magazine spreads! depressing films!), why are even more men jumping in to try to solve our relationship problems otherwise? The market is totally saturated. Don’t they have enough to do, or someone else to save? Every time I go to a panel or click on someone’s website, there is a man claiming to have written the “foreal foreal” book on men that women need to read and that other men are too scared to write. Instead of a book on men for women, how about a book on manhood for men? I’m looking at you, Hill Harper.

It is beyond annoying to be constantly bombarded with messages from men who:

(a) Are not experts in relationships,

(b) Are saying the same thing we’ve already heard,

(c) Have no genuine desire to really help women get the man they want, and

(d) Say expand your horizons and date outside your race — even if a woman says she wants a black husband.

Read more @MadameNoire

No One Misses the Missing Black Girls

I remember the headline on MSNBC’s homepage when I opened my web browser yesterday morning: “Baby Lisa’s mom: I was drunk when she vanished.” The article told the story of Lisa Irwin, the white Kansas City mother of a 10-month-old baby who went missing on Oct. 4.

Then today, as I casually searched for news on black women, I just happened to come across a couple of articles about two black girls who are missing. The pieces were small, ran on local news sites, black websites, or blogs. There has been no national attention, nothing that would make you stop and pay attention to these stories, or more importantly to one of these girls if you happened to come across them, because in all likelihood you probably wouldn’t even know they are missing.

Jhessye Shockley is a 5-year-old girl from Glendale, Arizona, has been missing for nearly a week. An Amber Alert for the girl was issued last Wednesday morning and canceled Friday, in accordance with standard Amber Alert procedures. So far the biggest break in the case seems to be a tip that came into police of a black female between 25 and 30 years old, about 120 pounds, with black hair in a bun and brown eyes, putting a child that matched Jhessye’s description in a vehicle. The woman was wearing a white tank top and blue jeans rolled up to mid-calf. The vehicle was a black 1998 to 2000 4-door Chevy Malibu.

And then there is 15-year-old Pittsburgh teen Michiko Hamilton who hasn’t been seen since visiting a friend Friday. Police say she was last contacted near the intersection of Frankstown Avenue and Overbrook Road in Penn Hills — no one has heard from her since.

Read the rest @MadameNoire

Open Marriage: Progressive or Uncontrolled?

Open marriages are something I struggle to wrap my head around, because despite the fact that the idea seems simplistically based on sex, the factors involved are quite complex. People who support the idea of open marriages say that the whole premise behind the arrangement is open communication about one’s wants and desires, but I wonder if it is more about the lack of control over those wishes.

Not too long ago I attended a panel on Monogamy, Cheating, and Dealing with the Side Piece (by now you can probably gather that I’m somewhat of a Together Apart groupie). On the panel was a couple, Carl and Kenya Stevens, who have had an open relationship for five of their 16 years of marriage.

As I listened to the couple describe having boyfriends and girlfriends and not stopping one another from experiencing new people as they come into one another’s lives, all I could think was, “Well then why get married?”

Read more @ Clutch

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Invisible Man

My father was absentee, but I pretty much reject any implication that I have “daddy issues” that affect my choices in men. I don’t date older men, short men, selfish men, self-righteous men, I’m not promiscuous, nor do I hate men. However when I do look back on all of the men that I have been involved with, there is one common factor: all of them were there, but not really.

My dad was in and out—miscellaneous phone calls, random visits when he’d expect me to drop everything and see him, no assistance when I called and needed something from him. But as a child, I had a step dad, so I felt I wasn’t cheated out of much. He was present for the good stuff and I didn’t really have to answer to him in the same way I would a biological father—I actually felt lucky in comparison to the strict fathers all of my friends had.

Fast forward ten years or so and I’m noticing that I’ve come across very similar patterns in dating. There’s the old high school acquaintance that I can spend hours talking to on the phone from hundreds of miles away, but only one night with in person. The guy I was “just talking to” who supposedly wanted to make sure he could trust me before he gave me his undivided time and attention. The on-again, off-again boyfriend who I had access to maybe three days a week if he felt like it, and who would disappear every two-three months. Sprinkle in a few other incognegros and you’ve got a recipe for severe unhappiness. None of these men were present; they made cameos when they wanted to, talked to me when they felt like it, and went on their way whenever it was convenient for them.

And I allowed it. Read more @Clutch